How saying 'NO' can be the best gift to yourself
“We must say "no" to what, in our heart, we don't want. We must say "no" to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say "no" to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else's. We must say “no.”
― Suzette R. Hinton
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a mother say 'I just don't have time for myself' I would be a pretty rich girl. Even I say it! All the time! Clearly, this is a common theme for mothers everywhere, but I don't think it has to be this way. The fact that you are here reading this article shows me that you want a change too. But what does that change look like?
How to "Just Say No"
Do you remember back in school in the 80s when we used to have the "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign coined by Nancy Reagan? (Dear me, did I just date myself?!?) And the whole message was...
Yes, saying 'No' can be that easy. And I'm not talking about saying no to drugs, I'm talking about something entirely different but extremely important. YOU! No, no no...not saying 'No' to yourself, saying 'No' to everything else that isn't serving you!
But first, you have to understand why you may need to say 'No' more often than you are...
Why saying 'No' more often can be a gift to yourself
Why do we overload our plates and try to be everywhere and everything to everyone? Granted, there are a few people who may truly thrive in this type of lifestyle, but most of us, whether you realize it or not yet, do NOT thrive with a lifestyle like this.
So why do we do it then? Why do we keep saying 'yes' to everything?
Could it be because we are trying to fill a void or an empty feeling inside? Motherhood can swallow the best of us up at times. Reaching out and trying to make a connection with others is a good thing to do, but are you trying to connect with others in ways that are the right ways for you? This means so many different things to different moms. Are saying 'no' to the extra demands on your time that don't help you connect with others in the ways that will strengthen you?
Do we feel empty inside and are looking everywhere for things to fill our cup? Perhaps the place we should start looking isn't at the annual bake sale...
Do we feel like we need to prove our worth somehow by signing up for every volunteer opportunity and school function? Does having a list of community accomplishments make you feel like you have a purpose?
Or is it because the quiet moments in our lives are too painful because that is when we are faced with time to reflect on the hard stuff, the things we would rather stuff down in some deep dark recess of our thoughts? So rather than face the quiet moments we just fill up our schedule so that there are no quiet moments?
This time, let someone else say 'Yes'
Let me be really clear on something first. I totally respect the moms out there who make so many things possible for our children, create opportunities in our community and give back to the world in so many ways. I fully respect the fact that these things wouldn't be possible without volunteers and that someone has to do it.
However, I am speaking to the moms that feel like it is their obligation to do it all. Despite the fact that they are struggling. Struggling to be happy or healthy or find balance in their lives. I'm talking to you. These questions are for you. Perhaps you need to take a step back and take a moment to answer these questions.
What would happen if you said 'No' the next time you were asked to volunteer your time?
Would you feel guilty? Probably. Especially if you are one who is used to saying 'Yes' every time. But you will get used to it. Think about it this way. If you said no, would the entire world crumble in disarray? Ummm, I get that you are important, but come on, are you this guy?
Atlas, the Titan who held the world upon his shoulders (Greek mythology).
How would you feel if you had more time to do something that has been on the backburner? Do you have something on your "someday" list? Why not put it on the "today" list? Why do we keep pushing our dreams and goals to the back burner?
What if... you had a little more time each day or week, would you finally start doing that "self-care thing" that everyone says you should do? Yes, even you need self-care time to thrive.
When to say 'No'
There are seasons for everything. Seasons for using your time to help others and then there are seasons for putting yourself first. The trick is figuring out what season you are in.
If you are unhappy
Are you happy? If you are struggling to answer this question then you are probably overdue for a little one-on-one time with yourself. You can look everywhere for the answer to happiness but the true answer lies within yourself. And the only way to discover this is to give yourself time and space. So saying 'no' next time someone asks you to put one more thing on your plate might be a good idea.
If you are stressed out
Adding more to your plate when you are stressed out is simply not going to help. It will only make it worse. The only way to reduce your stress level is to start taking things out of your life that doesn't allow you to practice self-care, have relaxing downtime, or have time to do the things that feed your soul.
Saying 'No' to everything that doesn't allow that to happen is the best stress-reducing gift you can give yourself!
If you need to make a change in your life
There are so many moms out there that put their careers or dreams on hold while bearing and raising children. I did that. At the time, it was the best decision for our family. But I didn't necessarily want to give up my career and set myself back (like a decade!) on my career path. I was grateful for the time I had with my little ones, but pausing my career for 8 years did present a great challenge to jumping back in. I had nothing to jump back into!
Perhaps you are like me and need to create time for yourself to jumpstart a career. Or perhaps you have been staying afloat in a career that you kept going through motherhood because it was convenient while raising a family. But it isn't making you happy or feeding your passion. Do you need to start saying 'No' to other things in your life so you can make a life change?
When you are saying 'Yes' only out of guilt
Have you been cornered by someone to participate in an activity or event that you only say yes to because you feel guilty otherwise? Stop it! You can volunteer or donate your time elsewhere. Find something you love, something that helps others while also feeding your soul.
Life is too short to spend your time saying 'yes' to things out of obligation or guilt. We moms do enough of that already!
If you feel that tug deep down inside of you that wants you to say 'No' to something but you are hearing yourself saying the opposite, then press pause. Reassess why you are saying 'yes'.
How I am walking the walk...
This month is my birthday month, actually, today is my birthday! I decided that my birthday month, the month of May, was going to be all about me. At least, in the sense of saying 'No' to everything that I could that didn't allow me to make a big change in my life.
Starting my new career has been exciting, an emotional roller coaster, and empowering. But it is also time-consuming, and I was constantly feeling stretched in a million directions. While I realize as a mother that that feeling won't entirely disappear, I decided I could at least reduce that feeling of being stretched thin as much as possible so I could focus on ME! That is the season I am in right now, and that is where my energy and focus needs to be. I am saying 'No' a lot right now, and I'm ok with that. It has been the best gift to myself.
Saying 'No' now can mean saying 'Yes' to more later (and with JOY!)
How are you feeling in your life right now? Could it be that you need to be a little more selfish with your time? Are you feeling that you are spread too thin?
Think about this; if you start saying 'No' more to all the demands on your time now, it will allow you to say 'Yes' to more opportunities later...and with joy! And that is probably how you will feel about it. "Demands" on your time now vs "opportunities" later when you are in a better season.
What season are you in right now? Please let me know in the comments below! Tell me about a time that you said 'no' and how it helped you. Or share with me any "ah-ha" moments you may have had while reading this post.
Hugs 🤗,
P.S. Freebie alert!
Would you like a free printable of some of the inspirational quotes used in this post and a little reminder of when to 'say no' and how to choose YOU? It's a nice way to hang it up somewhere (maybe on your bathroom mirror?) for a gentle reminder.
You can sign up to my email list below and get the free download instantly. (You will also be added to my email newsletter list but I think you will like what you get - VIP content, first-to-know about special offers, new classes and more!)
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If you liked this post, you may also want to read The best gift for Mother's Day that you have never thought of and This is what happened when I poured my coffee this morning.
